Sweet dreams

Sleeping is a dark place when you are depressed. You crave it and sleep way too much during the day, but nights can be torture. I consider it an accomplishment that the last three or four nights I've had about 7 hours of broken sleep with only one drug (lorazepam) at the beginning of the night! (I'm not counting all the other meds I have to take at bedtime - that's another post). It used to take me two or three sleeping-focused meds to get a few hours and then another in the middle of the night. (Of course there were days when I could sleep for hours, just not at night.) As you can see, I have improved.

But what no one tells you is how often you go to sleep hoping you don't wake up. It would solve so much.

Sweet dreams.

Side bar - frustration

I'll get back on track shortly - you know, the whole getting to know you stuff - but as a side bar - what is it with the frustration that depression can cause. Even the simplest tasks - things that you used to be able to do without any trouble - now when you can't it becomes the most frustrating thing. It's like climbing a mountain when it used to be a little hill.

I want to break something I get so frustrated. And it doesn't help that everyone around me gets the same way.

I'd give a lot for a little patience. It would go a long way, as they say. Just one of the things that really sucks about depression.

Day 1 - Why I'm here

I was lying in bed today - a common thing around here - wondering for the umpteenth time why none of the books on depression really explain the suffering that occurs. Just once I'd like to find a book that start out, "Depression sucks. It hurts all the time. You can't get away from it." I am tired of reading about diet and exercise, about cognitive restructuring. I am tired of the cheery talk - sounding so upbeat describing such a terrible thing. I said someone needed to write "A Girlfriend's Guide to Depression" - like the one about motherhood. Something that really tells it like it is. My husband, who at that point was falling asleep (apparently bored enough with my latest breakdown), remarked that I should write one. Thus, the blog was born. Isn't this the nature of the Internet? It's the new vanity press!

So, I'm here to share my journey and hopefully to let one person know they are not alone in their suffering.

And let me get one thing out on the table. I'm not going to advocate suicide, or even condone it. If you are suicidal, by all means get help (see here for a good place to start http://suicidehotlines.com/). But also I hope you will read this and know you are not alone. That others are out there in the same pain, just struggling to get by. Lord knows, I've been there - almost on a daily basis for months now. I fully anticipate being there again.

So, in the coming days I'll tell a little about myself, my journey, and how God awful it is to be depressed. Telling it like it is from the bottom.