Rejection

I remember a story where a college student papered his walls - I think his bathroom - with rejection letters.

I so relate.

Depression and Creativity

Hi everyone.  Haven't been around for a while.  Generally, I've been better - much more stable. Last check it was 33 days and counting without a "crash," although at the moment I'm dipping lower than in a while.

Which brings me to the creativity issue.  I haven't written in a while because I didn't want to.  I couldn't really think of something pithy and amusing, or otherwise indignant.   But I was in the kitchen today and all of a sudden ideas started to fly into my mind.  

Which brings me to the often-written about link between being bipolar and  creativity.  It seems to hold true.  We sit in our misery and gain an understanding about life that is unique.  We are freed from the bullsh@#$ that society puts on us.  And we become rebels of a sort, because we can't - really can not - conform to society's mores.  

There is a good book about this topic by Kay Jamison - "Touched By Fire."  There is just a ton of stuff written on this.

But really, I could do without.  It's not like I'm Van Gough for pity's sake.  

Half empty

Well, I pulled out of yet another crash with my soul intact so far.  But it seems like every time I fall down it gets harder to stand up.  Luckily the falling hard hasn't happened that often.  Instead I have been living in this in-between space.  Where I reside - I feel the darkness like a membrane that could rupture at any moment.

And I' m looking for work.

It does seem like my life is half-empty.  I  know it would help to reframe it, but I'm too tired.  I feel exhausted by what I've been through, what I am still going through, what I have to live up to.  I feel hopeless and beseeched by problems and hurdles.  I haven't found my sanctuary.

Instead I'll ask all of you to look closely at your life.  I wish I had realized how lucky I was in times past.  I think we all grow complacent and don't remember to thank, God, the fates, or whomever your higher power is.   Do you have good solid relationships?  A job?  Your health? 

Thank your lucky stars, because it can all go away in a heartbeat. 

It's not fair

It's not fair. Why did it happen to me?  Why can't I be like everyone else?  Why can't I think like everyone else?  Why do things hurt me over and over and over again?  How can I stop them from hurting? 

How?

It's Baaaack

The darkness.  The vice grip on your insides.  The total lack of hope.

The inability to get through simple things.  The inability to function without crying jags in bed in fetal position.

And the self-loathing.  Bloated and gaining weight from the medicines.  I look absolutely awful. I'm back to not washing my face or flossing my teeth.  

And I must be an awful person to have this happen to me.  In fact, I'm probably making myself sick.  If I was just different none of this would hurt.  If I was really sick medicines would work.  So it must be me.  The people around me would be better off because I can't help them or care for them the way they should be cared for.  Something is just wrong with me and I should be able to make it better.

But I just can't.  I don't know how.

1000 hits

Time for a little celebration. Today my blog got it's 1000th view! (Actually it's at 1003) Wow. That's a lot of folks willing to read about bipolar disorder.

Thanks all of you who have been walking along with me. I know it's been helpful for me. I hope it's been at least a little helpful for you.

It's a slippery slope

Here's the thing. My mood is a fragile beast. Just getting it's sea legs back, so to speak. After being in total despair for months and months, it's starting to come up a little tinsy bit.

But life has normal ups and downs. And I'm too newly born to handle them. Being sad still touches that dark place even though I know it shouldn't. But it does. So I get sad, and then I REALLY get sad. Like I can't be a little sad. It's not in my make up at the moment.

Which is a very precarious place to be, since being sad is a part of life. I don't know how to avoid it. If anyone has a magic cloak that would deflect all that was troubling in life, let me know. We could make a mint, and I wouldn't have to worry about finding another job.

Until then I will try and tip toe around life, trying to stay on this high wire. Trying not to fall off to one side or the other. Trying to keep my courage.