I don't know what to do.

My husband has heard this phrase so often it drives him nuts.

I don't know what to do.

When you are depressed, sometimes (OK, a lot) it is hard to figure out what you are supposed to be doing.  Am I supposed to be going to work? To the hospital?  Playing WoW?  Cleaning the house?  Taking a nap?  Surfing the Internet?  Cleaning the closet?  OK, decisions like this are really really hard to make.  You can' t even imagine.  You just want someone to tell you what to do.  Give me a handbook with a schedule.

I don't know what to do.

Of course, it runs even deeper than that.  I don't know how I'm supposed to live my life.  I don't know how to shake the ruminations.  I don't know how to forgive and forget.  I don't know how to heal the wounds inside of me.  I don't know how to make it better.  I don't know if I ever will get better.  I don't know how to be a wife, a mother, a daughter any more.  I don't know who I am.  I don't know what to say.  I don't know where to go.  I don't know how or where to live.  I don't know how to make a living anymore.  I don't know if I can live with this.  I don't know if I can live without.  I don't know if I need to be hospitalized.  I don't know if I really want to kill myself.  I don't know if I really want to live.  I don't know how or what to think.  I don't know how I am supposed to last another hour, another day, another minute with this shit in my head.

I don't know what the fuck to do.