Who am I?

I think one hard thing about this illness (I was going to say one of the hardest, but that's a hard call to make, so to say) is not being able to distinguish between the symptoms of the illness and you.  The books for "loved ones" of bipolar talk about their need to tell the difference.  To understand "who's talking" to them at any given time.  I think that's a tough enough task, although my loved ones say my voice is different, so it helps them I suppose.

However, it's virtually impossible to tell when it's you.  It looks, acts, feels and talks like you.  So it must be you.  These feelings you have must all be real and you really must be this awful, confused, inept person.  I don't have a clue as to where to start telling the difference.  So, most of the time it doesn't feel at all like I'm sick.  I'm just having the worst few months in history.  I've always had bad luck, this is just the worst luck.  And I'm not strong enough to deal with it or pull myself out of it.  It comes from some fundamental personality flaw.  This I truly believe way more often than not.  I, and I bet others like me, keep asking - are you sure I have an illness?  I can't be sick because I feel the same inside.  Just hurt and sad and scared.  How can medicine fix that?  It hasn't so far, so how can it going forward?

And the more medicines we try without success, the more this feeling grows.  I'm not sick.  This is just me and nothing is going to make it better.  As they say on NPR, this I believe.

Nevertheless, we keep taking the meds, because we are told to.  Because if we didn't the ones around us would be upset.  You might as well take them, they don't seem to do anything.

And today I try yet another new one.  And increase the dosage of another, and drop another that I just increased on Monday and yesterday.  As you can see, with all this movement, it's hard to believe anything will make a difference. 

How can it?  I'm not sick.  Just messed up.