In the charts listing out symptoms of depression, there is usually a line that talks about the thoughts of running away. I don't recall off the top of my head how they put it - but I understand it all too well.
When the pain hits hard, it's all you can do not to get on a bus, exit stage right, go on the lamb, get out of dodge, hit the road. It can be in many forms. You can think/fantasize about moving away, going into a shell and never coming out, or dying - either intentionally or otherwise. I've contemplated all of these at one time or another. Why - to push away the pain of course. It is so intense, with no relief, that you need to fantasize about it in order to help bear the pain. If you really felt like there were no choices, no options, but to endure, I think you'd go a little madder than we already are. The fantasizing about going away is in some weird way protecting ourselves from the pain and despair.
Last week at camp, one of the campers went AWOL for the day. Didn't tell anyone, just escaped. OK, he scared everyone silly, and his family was sick with worry. But me? I was so jealous. Why can't I run away? Why can't I push the pain away - even if just for a little while? Why couldn't I go somewhere where I wasn't sick? Where no one knows who I am? Why can't I push the pain away, even if for a couple hours? I can't take flight, so I stay and fight. But I can still dream about a little house on the coast, somewhere away from it all, and here's the key part - where this is no pain.
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