Suspicious minds

The word for today, folks, is precarious.  I felt very precarious today.  Sometimes I leaned one way (into the dark hopeless pit with suicidal thoughts) and sometimes the other (thinking maybe, just maybe, there is a bit of improvement.)  I ranged quite broadly today.  Just when I thought that I might be feeling a bit better, BAM, yanked back.

This process has happened time and time again.  It's gotten to the point where I don't trust any improvement.  I'm suspicious that it will stay or take hold.  I live on the edge just waiting for the crash.  Cringing the whole time.  Not wanting to say anything about any kind of small improvements because they will just be taken away again.  And they have every single time. Usually followed by more darkness and a deeper pit.

It reminds me of someone dangling a toy mouse in front of a cat, always yanking it away when the mouse was about to snatch it.  Eventually the cat stops reaching for it.  The cat knows that it is not going to get the prize.

The cat is suspicious.