The Queen of Despair

I was at camp again today.  Still love camp.  And the head counselor - whom I am crazy about - had a session with me and my husband.  She remarked on the fact that I have been treated for severe depression for seven months now.  That's right.  Seven months.  She said she hadn't seen anyone in a long time that had to endure it that long.

She said I was a Queen of Despair.

One of the reasons I am tickled with this woman is her ability to retain a healthy sense of humor in the midst of all this sadness.  But it really did make me think about how severe this is for me.  How much longer I have struggled than most.  How much it has taken out of me, taken from me, taken out of and from the ones I love.  How much pain and how long I've been doing this.

Then I talked to my other doc today.  Usually he calls and the illness goes hiding.  Not today. He got the full meal deal.   When I croaked out how tired I am, and how hard it is to believe that any medicine will make a difference at this point.  He said "It's been a nightmare."

Two well-respected seasoned professionals confirming that this sucks.

I am tired.

I am so very bone weary tired.  Came home and collapsed and cried and cried tired.  Can't seem to find a way to stop crying tired. 

I'm supposed to report when I have a normal mood.  I don't even know what that looks like anymore.  I'm beginning to believe that I never will.  

One of my fellow campers went AWOL for a while today, and everyone was scared.  However, in addition to being scared, I thought - why does he get to run away.  I want to be able to run away but I stay.  How come he gets to do so - even if for a day?  I know he scared his family half silly, and affected lots of folks at camp too.  But I do have my fantasy of running away from it all.

I know I could have a lot of fun with the Queen of Despair/nightmare part.  Something like the Elvira of mental illness comes to mind.  But I'm too tired.  I don't want to come out and play today.  This illness is awful.  It stinks.  It's just a terrible thing.