Pain, pain and more pain

I hate this.  I hate pain.  I hate depression.  I hate being bipolar.  I hate my life, myself.  I am so far from who I used to be and so very far from whom I want to be.

I can't really express with words how awful this is.  I know I've tried here over and over again. But I can't get it right.  It is intense, sharp and dull at the same time.  Frantic and lethargic. Angry and resigned.  Wanting company and wanting solitude.  And hopeless.  Always hopeless. It's a part of you - intertwined with your thoughts.  It's not something separate.  You can't turn it off, when it's really going you can't even distract from it.  You second guess everything.  What you do, who you are with, past, present and future.  They are all fodder for your brain.

It makes me feel like I want to yank out all my hair just to feel something outside like what I feel on the inside.  I want to break things.  I want to curl up in a fetal position in bed and never leave.  I want to cut myself.  I drive over bridges and think about jumping.  I am desperate.   Simply desperate.  I want it gone.  I need it gone.  I don't know how much longer I can wait before I take some kind of action to make it gone.  I don't know what that is or will be, but I can only sit passively for so long.

I hate this.