My story

Well, the last post jinxed me.  So, while I wait for the second sedative to kick in so I can get some sleep, I thought I'd fill folks in on my story.  The brief version, since I assume most reading this are friends and family (hi folks).  

I've had a turbulent year.  To make a really long complicated story really short, I divorced and remarried in the same calendar year.  With lots of junk in between, including a move and guiding my two children through the whole thing.  I was shaky the whole time, and I've battled depression in the past - starting when I was 15, again after graduating from law school and again after the birth of my first child.  Little blips other than that I'm sure.  I was also the poster child for anxiety.  Then in July I received some news that was a dagger straight to the heart.  I plunged into a intense, severe, fetal position on the floor kind of depression.  After 4 1/2 months of battling that with three drug trials, they changed my diagnosis to "soft spectrum" bipolar disorder/bipolar II.  That means my depression is also punctuated by bouts of intense anxiety, anger and irritability.  (Like today, for example, when I flew off the handle at noise.  That tends to be a trigger when I'm bad).  That's my hypomanic side.  I read somewhere that it's a disease no one wishes on anyone.

What does it mean?  I now take four medications a day - lithium, lamictal, adderall and lorezapam.  I see both a psychiatrist (my "pdoc") and a therapist (my "tdoc").  And at month six I'm am only slightly improved.  What does that mean?  Well, when I get really bad now I make it to the bed most of the time instead of being on the floor.  And I don't cry in public quite so much (OK, I did today, but generally I'm better).   And my cognitive functioning has improved so I can work (sometimes) and do things like this blog.  But I've got to tell you, just because they have made me walk and talk better doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell most of the time.  I still ruminate intensely about the news I received in July.  Every hour, every waking hour, it stays with me and brings me pain.  I've just gotten better at covering it up.  In fact now that's I'm more aware generally, I'm more aware of the pain, and it might even hurt more.  But, hey. that's improvement.